Not too hot, not too cold. Not too good, not too bad. Alongside an actual football game, a lot of Goldilocks Super Bowl LIX ads blew by 110 million of us Sunday. But which ones actually scored?
We got -- deep breath -- belugas, seals, sloths, Muppets, flying eyebrows (and mustaches), Nerds, and aliens (from outer space). GoDaddy was back after eight years, too, and no one still has a clue what a "GoDaddy" is or does. Artificial intelligence took up a lot of time, including for "smart" glasses that didn't seem so smart. There was an IMDB roll call of movie stars, all part of a vast scrum of "humor" commercials that were only sporadically humorous.
But what we didn't get was greatness. At least we got some goodness, and that'll have to do. Here are the best of the bunch, followed by the worst.
1. LAY'S POTATO CHIPS
Top-of-class honors for best sentimental use of a sentimental song (Barry Louis Polisar's "All I Want Is You") while celebrating "real potatoes grown on family farms across America," eclipsing fellow heart-tugger, Bud's Clydesdale foal ("Let Your Love Flow") and Rocket.com ("Country Home").
2. NIKE
Gone from the Super Bowl since 1988, Nike drops a surprise fast-cut in black-and-white, with female champions who (we're told) were told by someone they couldn't win, followed by a tag that drives it on home ("You can't win, so win"). A winner.
3. SQUARESPACE
After cornering the surreal in Super Bowl ads last year, this follow-up with Barry Keoghan and his donkey wasn't quite as effective, but the two riding off the cliff into the wild blue yonder ("oh Squarespace, oh websites, oh sure it is!") was still plenty weird enough.
4. DORITOS
Created by civilians, in this instance a couple of Midwestern guys (Dylan Bradshaw, Nate Norvell), does this latest "Crash" prove that overhyped Super Bowl commercials are best left to the amateurs?
5. CHAT GPT
The AI giant's pointillist kaleidoscope arrives just before 8 p.m., puzzles a nation, and finally makes the (umm) point with a tagline probably created by Chat GPT: "All progress has a starting point. What do you want to create?"
6. INSTACART
Shout-outs to vintage ad mascots, including Kool-Aid Man, Puppy Monkey Baby, Heinz Weiner dog, Pillsbury Doughboy, and Old Spice's Isaiah Mustafa, but best was the Jolly Green Giant -- 122 years young in 2025.
7. COORS LIGHT
Finally, a four-legged mascot that's not a puppy or baby -- the sloth, with a severe case of the Monday blues who can't stay awake, bag groceries or walk through doors.
1. BOSCH
Super Bowl first-timer Bosch learns the hard way that terrible ads are made vastly worse when featuring long-dead stars who had no say in the matter. Randy "Macho Man" Savage may be gone 14 years, but we know where he was spinning Sunday.
2. COFFEE MATE COLD FOAM CREAMER
In (what could be) a scene from "Alien," a tongue escapes the mouth of someone who just tasted this stuff, then reenters his mouth (to spawn more twerking tongues?).
3. PRINGLES
Mustache, mustache, mustaaaaches! Thousands of them, a few from some famous faces -- and nothing says "reach for the Pringles" like facial hair, am I right?
4. MOUNTAIN DEW BAJA BLAST
Second worst sight gag goes to this Taika Waititi-directed ad that puts Seal's head on a seal. Ghastly.
5. DUNKIN'
Does Dunkin' do doughnuts? Or does Dunkin' dunk Jeremy Strong in a vat of gloop with coffee beans as Bill Belichick looks on, while millions are forced to wonder what the heck he and Ben Affleck are doing in this idiotic ad anyway? Discuss among yourselves.
6. ANGEL SOFT
That bathroom break that gave a hundred million viewers 30 seconds for a bathroom break? Gimme a break.