For Whoopi Goldberg and The View: A cancellation notice from ABC.
For John Fetterman: A fitting at Moroni Custom Clothing for a tailored suit, tie, etc. and sartorial lessons from Jay Wright.
For all The Kelces: One year confinement to a cloistered monastery.
For Nancy Pelosi: An introductory seminar on Reverse Plastic Surgery.
For NJ Governor Phil Murphy: A gift certificate to get his teeth fixed.
For Professor Allan Lichtman: A permanent sabbatical.
For all Philadelphia sports fans: A supply of valium.
For Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro: A gift certificate to Chamaripa Shows.
For Governor Ron DeSantis: Designation as a Cavaliere of the Italian Republic and the deed to Phil Murphy's Italian villa.
For the New Jersey Republican Party: Scott Presler.
For Philadelphia Mayor Cherelle Parker: Copies of Buzz Bissinger's A Prayer For The City and Ed Rendell's A Nation of Wusses.
For Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel: Johnny Carson's complete video archives.
For Dan Bongino: The US Secret Service.
For Lee Grenwood, Kelsey Grammer, Jon Voight and Sylvester Stallone: Kennedy Center Honors.
For Taylor Swift: Kid Rock.
For President Donald J. Trump: Our undying gratitude.