You know what I'm scared of? Being scared. I know that sounds really lame, like, duh, you're scared of being scared, but seriously? I can't stand being frightened. Nerves, I can handle. But if I'm in a house alone, and I hear a strange noise, and its night time, sometimes I get so scared that I think I'm going to suffocate. My throat gets all tight and my stomach heaves and I think I might throw up, and I them I think of how scared I am and freak out even more.
I keep my door to my room closed. At all times. This means that its usually about 66 degrees in there, at the best of times, and when I sit and read in my bed my fingers start to turn blue, but it's better than the alternative. The door open means sneakiness. It means someone could slip into my room and I wouldn't notice. Someone's face could be peering through the crack, and I might be able to see them. My curtains stay closed, too. Sometimes, before I actually started closing them, I would lie awake at night, almost paralyzed with fear. I'd look at the window, and think of what could possibly happen.... of how someone could climb up the side of the house and look in the window, and even open it, and come inside... and then I get so scared I have to close my eyes and bury my face in the pillow, and I end up getting like three hours of sleep.
It's irrational, isn't it? kind of silly, to be honest. I live in a house way out in the countryside, in a nicer neighborhood, with a driveway that no one in their right mind would want to walk up just to break into a house or creep on someone. And my room is on the second floor. The wall by my window is straight vertical, practically perpendicular to the ground. So this fear is completely irrational. But... it still plagues me.
FDR said, "the only thing to fear is fear itself." He was so true. (Obviously. That's why the quote is so famous.) But really? Your mind is your greatest threat, and when turned against you can be deadly. I understand that my silly fear of being scared is just that - silly. By telling myself that I am scared, I become even more frightened, and so on and so on. It's a circle that won't stop until I change my state of mind. I understand the logistics of it all.
But I'm still scared.
I even scare myself. Sometimes, when I'm bored, or not feeling too hot, I'll go read some of my old writings - other random stuff I've written when I'm feeling. And its like.... I wrote that? What's wrong with me? What was I thinking?
But then... then, right when I'm getting all worked up and scared, something will happen. My little sister will hug me, the cat will purr, a hummingbird will flutter this close to me... And all that fear? All those worries, all that itchy, nervous, frightened anxiety, well, it's just kind of swept away. I'll be reminded not of what there is to fear, but what there is to be thankful for. Because when it comes down to it, that's what really matters, isn't it?